Wednesday 11 February 2004

More bums and deceit

by AL Kennedy

Well, I've been having a Dyke of a time - oral surgery, stitches, swelling, antibiotics - all the fun a Calvinist could wish for. And when you look like Barbra Streisand after three weeks under water and your pain relief is preventing you from tying, or even recognising, your own shoes, then you're in the perfect condition to stay at someone else's house and watch cable TV.

So now I finally have a proper grasp of what's important in modern life. And mainly it's tits - big tits, cheap tits, posh tits, Germans pan-frying tits with their consent, plastic tits, real tits, squint tits, famous tits and the unfortunate tits of strangers. If I'd known how fascinating tits were I'd have spent quality time with mine much more often. But if tits don't do it for you, I've seen more arses in these last weeks than I would have if I worked on an arse farm. Why do arses matter? Well, I'm still unsure, but I think it's because you can siphon the fat up out of them, then inject it back into your face.

Never mind the rollingshite news channels and their inability to notice when EVIL IRAQI DEATH DRONES WILL RAIN HORROR ON AMERICA IN MINUTES turns seamlessly into "WMD-related programme activities". They're just really happy that Mr Bliar - in all good faith, with an open and Christian heart and not a naughty thought in his head - accepted and promoted "intelligence" that professionals were loudly finding laughable long before the first coalition cluster bomb liberated the first Iraqi child's fingers.

No, let's get into some proper journalism about Hitler - Hitler's arse, Nazi arses, Hitler's plans to inject Aryan arse fat into plucky British lips, Hitler manipulating the media, creating a climate of fear, claiming draconian emergency powers and pre-emptively invading well-endowed countries in order to strip them of their wealth. Or maybe not that last one - a bit irrelevant.

Because I am now completely up to speed on the vital issues of the day. Is your sofa new enough? Are your teeth white enough? Is there enough fat in your arse to inflate your head in case of emergency? And are you spending enough? Because if you're only spending what you've got, that's not enough - you need to be IN DEBT. Not just a little bit overdrawn, I mean proper, wake up screaming, selling your underwear, Russian roulette in Soho basements to win back your kidneys debt.

Because we're going all out to reproduce the US economic miracle and you must play your part. Bush lowered interest rates, cut taxes for the super rich, slashed social programmes and solved his nation's problems. Cataclysmic borrowing, soaring unemployment and homelessness, soup kitchens, bankruptcy, increased racial segregation and collapsing access to medical care and education are all signs of a healthy economy; and Gordon Brown is so confident that Britain will thrive just as spiffingly under a Bush-style regime that he nobly helped keep the PM in place, ensuring Tony will be in charge when the arse fat hits the fan.

But because many important people's money is slightly theoretical and much of the profit Operation Iraq Rip-off was to make hasn't quite materialised, it's important for you little people to support the economy by paying to borrow more money than you can manage. And if your loans are out of control, take out more loans to cover your loans. Above all, don't save - and don't wonder why you'd only get 0.04% interest and a free tea towel if you did save, when you pay out 25% for borrowing.

And the best thing to spend your money on? A car. A large car. A 23 yards to the gallon, 12ft wide, 40ft long unparkable multisportsperson luxury carrier turbosystem. Leave the engine running while you nip into the house for a bath, stoke on those revs at the lights, drive for fun, drive for friendship, drive as a hobby and, instead of sex, climb into your surrogate orgasm, your sad excuse for a life, and burn petrol, no matter what.

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