Monday 5 May 2003

Why look in the crystal ball?

by Terry Jones

"I can see the future."

"How were you blessed with this mystic ability, O Prophetic One?"

"I received my gift through watching George W. Bush on NBC News."

"What does this gift tell you of the future, O Prophetic One?"

"I see US Weapons Inspectors touring Iraq and discovering chemical or biological Weapons of Mass Destruction in convincing quantities."

"How come the US Weapons Inspectors find them when the UN Inspectors failed?"

"I see a White House spokesman saying: the US Inspectors have been told where to look by captured "human Iraqis" - to use George W. Bush's telling phrase. I see Donald Rumsfeld assuring us that anything the US does will be much more efficient than anything the UN does."

"What does 'efficient' mean, O Prophetic One?"

"It means 'helpful to the plans of Donald Rumsfeld'. What else could 'efficient' mean, O Tiny-Brained Picker Of Other People's Noses?"

"What else does the future hold?"

"I see Jack Straw with a dreadful smirk on his face. I see Anthony Blair with a dreadful smirk on his face. I see them both holding endless press conferences in which they repeat: "We told you so!" over and over again.

On the other hand, I see many people thinking that the US Weapons Inspectors did not learn anything from the captured "human Iraqis" and that the US Inspectors themselves have planted the Weapons Of Mass Destruction specifically so that Jack Straw and Anthony Blair can hold press conferences and say "We told you so.""

"But surely no one can really believe that where the UN Inspectors failed to find Weapons of Mass Destruction the US Inspectors really have found some?"

"I see Jack Straw and Anthony Blair repeating "We told you so" so often that it doesn't matter. The finding of the Weapons of Mass Destruction becomes a 'fact' that is endlessly repeated in the press until everyone forgets that the people who found the Weapons of Mass Destruction had a vested interest in finding them - in fact if they hadn't found them they would be liable to prosecution as war criminals."

"But if Iraq had these weapons why didn't they use them?"

"I see a White House spokesman telling journalists that Iraq didn't use its WMD because it was too scared and that shows that it was right to bomb them. No! Wait there is another press conference! In this one the White House spokesman is saying that the US military strike was so fast and effective that the Iraqis simply didn't get the chance to use their WMD."

"And do the people believe such rubbish, O Prognosticator Of Political Poppycock?"

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